Mostly Harmless

The English language has never ceased to throw gentle surprises, dramatic shocks or globs of spit at learners it considers alien. While the Queen may grab the opportunity of the odd snort at the rookie addling his verbs and prepositions (I sat in the toilet seat and felt cold, so took out some tissues, you know), even the vim-filled boaster isn’t spared from the deep holes lurking in India’s secondary lingua franca (by assuming ‘enigma’ to be of Italian origin, making it an enema).

Even yours truly hasn’t been spared (almost) similar embarrassment. Having assumed the phrase to imply ‘logic, driven by sentiment’, I concluded a long argument as Class Monitor to ask the girls’ representative to attend the Student Council meeting by quipping “Come on now- for our posterity’s sake.” It took me a few years and a dictionary to figure out the wide-eyed stare and cold shoulders I was given ever since.

The school, though, was no stranger to such occurrences. After all, in its history of Physical Education Trainers, it had had one who strictly believed in the policy of students forming straight circles, while another’s voice had once bellowed through the quadrangle, screeching “All aaf you sould come with paalissed sooes and saacks from tomaarow!”. Then, there’s the unverified legend of a Class 4 kid explaining his misspelling of psychologist by exclaiming “Ma’am, I only forgot to P!”.

Somehow, it’s these little anecdotes that survive the relentless march of time over those twelve wonderful formative years. Not many would remember the Eshans and the Pushyamis, but the (deliberately?) misspelt ‘Assoul’ on the toilet walls remains as ageless as television’s Ba. And this very idiosyncratic human trait - endeared by some, and troublesome for others – is what keeps the smiles going for posterity’s sake.

Roadside Rodeo

The NBA’s tagline “Where amazing happens” is queerly apposite for the sibling states of Uttar Pradesh and Uttarakhand. In a little over 30 months here, if there’s one thing the stretch of National Highway-58 from Modinagar to Roorkee has never failed to deliver, it’s an amusing surprise. Having grown up in a township connected to the capital via vast expanses of UP’s villages, the likes of ‘Swapnadosh va Gupt rogi mile- Hakim Usmani, har mangalvaar’ were not too surprising. But the first few bus rides across the aforementioned road brought quite a few revelations, like highlighting the movie tastes of the towns along it, for instance. Pyaasi bhootnis, jawan chudails and teesri aurats dominate the theatres, with even titles like Maut ka naya avatar and Anokhe karishme grabbing the coveted A-ratings. Even more intriguingly, the tickets in black for these very movies are seemingly sold by ten-year-old kids. The government doesn’t lie about fast-track growth at all.

After sleeping through the entire duration of my four-hour flight, and spending the afternoon watching some electric business quizzing in the capital, I was in no mood to give in to Morpheus anymore for the bus ride to R. With a jovial ten-pointer for company, the god-awful traffic jams were seen through, and the battle-hardened bus emerged through the Meerut bypass with purpose. The bus' bulbs were switched off as the road’s dim yellow lights were gradually overpowered by the side-show. Radisson Punjabi Dhaba could mislead many, while Rosetta Inn has already claimed numerous such victims. One would be led to believe Jain Shikanji is a chain of highway restaurants, but these were just the lower tiers of the cake. The battle was hard-fought, but Patiala ke puraane Pandit ji ka mashoor Vaishno dhaba finished only as the icing. The proverbial cherry on the cake had to be ‘New Sher-e-Punjab New Super Deluxe Super Star Dhaba’.

Now you have a lot more to look forward to on those rickety rides. Cheers!

P.S. - No, I’m afraid Murti Hot Hot Khana Khajana Vaishno Dhaba can’t be taken in, to avoid any suggestions of favouritism.

P.P.S. - After Dela and Prondu, it was a Haddu and Haddu’s turn to make R proud. Congratulations for winning the Chandigarh round for us, again!